State of Despair

Morning A’s,

As much as this postgame rundown feels Mike’s absence, the middle of our lineup and infield felt it even more, as the 10^th Amendments dropped our Skipless squad 14-3. 

If it’s any consolation, things could have been a lot worse.  DHS might have indefinitely detained our (Spoiler alert!) MVP Pickypants Connors for his pregame email, which involved the word “Ellipse” and a surveillance keyword (hint: sounds like “shmijack”), but they were kind enough to settle for a brief security sweep.  After we were allowed back on the field, though, our luck ran a little short.  We picked up a first inning run from Bri Guy’s swift baserunning, but the States-Rightsers knocked in four runs to take a lead they’d never relinquish.  Stymied by MLB-length basepaths, our bats fell silent in the 2^nd and 3^rd, but clutch defense kept it close.  Then came the top of the 4^th, when we loaded the bases thanks to line drives from Patrick “Federal Watchlist” Connors and Kelly Trout, and timely hits from our lone lefty Will and Jennifer Wunderkind plated two runs.  The score stood 6-3.  More sparkling defense from our Prohibition pitcher and Scott Sanderson kept it close until the bottom half of the 5^th, when the other guys scored six more.  The fat lady started warming up her pipes.  It looked like we’d have one last shot at redemption in the 7^th, when The Colossus of Trout smoked a double down the line, but third-base coach Sanderson decided to play some defense for the other team and called it foul.  Scott was fired permanently from coaching third base, and the next batter popped out to the catcher for the final out.

The loss puts the fighting faithful on a four-game skid, which we’ll look to end next Tuesday when we take on the Freedom Ticklers.  Who the hell knows what organization that is.  Let’s just hope they don’t get too handsy when we’re on the basepaths.  I hope to see you all next Tuesday at 6:30, on or near our home field.  Mike will be back from Boston to resume coaching duties, so let him know if you’re going to play.  Until then,

Effing A, Alex

I Hate Losing to Republicans.

Hi A’s.

Well.  That stunk.

Not you guys – the loss itself.  I just hate losing to Republicans, especially by double-digits.  Though we struggled valiantly, evil   prevailed in the epic battle waged near the Great Obelisk last night.  The A’s fell to the RNC by a finally tally of 23-10.

Fielding our most robust squad of the season, the A’s played much better than the final score would indicate.  We jumped out to an early lead in the first inning on the bats of many of our veterans, including MVP E-Dub’s first hit and run scored of the day.  She’d later homer in the fourth, driving in three runs, and bat perfectly on the day – basically, she was about half our offense.  Mr. Stamm wasn’t too shabby himself, also notching a dinger as part of a 1.000 performance.  The infusion of fresh blood from the likes of Jenna Leventoff, (S)Noops, and “Keepin’ the” Faith Shapiro helped keep the A’s competitive early, but as the beers dried up apparently so did our defense for an inning.  The Republicans plated 9 runs in the third , taking control of a lead they refused to relinquish without a sizeable campaign Super PAC contribution. 

But the resilient A’s continued to fight, and scored consistently (though in small amounts) for the remainder of the game.  We had good hitting throughout the lineup, with nearly everyone getting on base at some point.  I saw some excellent development among the young crop, with Mr. Prohibition, Ian, and Little Babe Ruth each hitting in the clutch (and I believe LBR’s first run of the season).  Returning from a long stint on the DL, The Fulton of Swat got two hits and a ribbie, and the two K’s (Dizzle and Dawg) contributed with some clutch hitting of their own.  Will Abbot, Picky Pants, and Wild Wild Wes each pitched in with perfect hitting performances.  All in all, we played well, but the R’s played just a bit better.  And just like that, the Republicans had defeated part of the Constitution, again.

So A’s, let’s build off the momentum generated last night and stand up for the top half of the bill of rights.  We’re starting a new tradition tomorrow night as we inaugurate the Battle of the Amendments!  We square off against the 10^th Amendments, the National Conference of State Legislators. 

That’s it for now kids.  I’m sitting out the next game but I’m back in the fight next week with you for our second straight double-header when we take on the Freedom Ticklers and The Disablers (Tuesday and Thursday, respectively).

Effing A, Mike

Just Because We're Nonpartisan Doesn't Mean We Can't Kick Butt

Hey A’s and ACLUers,

I know that many of you have been patiently awaiting the perfect opportunity to come join and/or cheer on your beloved, battle-hardened softball squad as we defend our rights on and off the diamond in 2012.  Now, you’re in luck – because tomorrow evening around 6:30pm, the First Effing Amendments of the ACLU will join in the election-year morass and take on the Republican National Committee!  I want to invite each and every member of our esteemed ACLU family to play or just join us for cheap brews and fun times tomorrow evening in what always ends up being one of the best duels of the season.  We’ve got all the equipment aspiring, barely-competitive softball players would need, so all you really need to do is show up.  Once you’re there, it’s highly likely I’ll pester you to play, but honestly don’t feel pressured to; we’d be happy to just have you grace us with your presence and show your ACLU pride.

Thanks for humoring me, ACLU!

Effing A, Mike

Terrorized.

Morning A’s,

Well last night wasn’t exactly the strong showing we had hoped for.  After the rain subsided, the A’s and the Margin of Terror decided to forge ahead with their game, sloppy field and all.  On an Ellipse deserted by softball teams with far less fortitude, the A’s fell to the Margin of Terror in a relatively low-scoring game, losing 11-3.

Playing with a small lineup due to the near-rainout, we just couldn’t muster much offense at any point in the game.  We started off OK, holding the Terrorists scoreless in the first inning before plating 2 runs in the bottom half, but that was the only lead we’d hold all night.  The Margins’ bats sparked up over the next few frames; with pinpoint precision, they dropped line drives halfway between the infield and outfield, and they jumped out to a commanding 11-2 lead at the end of the fourth.  Even the spectacular defensive play of MVP Marilyn “Little Babe Ruth” Robb and a start-studded outfield was not enough to overcome some unfortunately-timed miscues at shortstop.  Offensively, the 2-3 combination of Will Abbott and K-Dizzle was one of the brighter spots in an otherwise sub-par performance, both getting multiple hits on the day.  Following a few more innings of both teams laying goose eggs, the A’s managed to eke out one more run in the 6^th, but could garner no more offensive firepower, even during what looked at first glance to be a rally in the last inning.  After juicing the bases during our final at-bat, we wound up stranding 2 runners and failing to score, and just like that, we were 2 games below .500

So A’s, we’re now 3-5 on the season, dropping us to the lower portion of the rankings in the CSL.  Which will make our thunderous domination of the feeble Republicans all the more satisfying.  I mean, really – let’s go wipe the smug smirks  off their faces.  We take them on in the first of two games next week, on Tuesday at 6:30, hopefully on or near our home field.  Please let me know if you want to play.  This is one of the better games we’ll have all season, so tell your family, co-workers, communist pals, pinkos, and community organizers to come on out to cheer on the Effing A’s.  Then on Thursday of next week, we strike up what will hopefully become a new rivalry as we’ll wage the Battle of the Amendments!  We take on the 10^th Amendments, the National Conference of State Legislators.  I’ve got a beverage sponsor for Tuesday’s game but not yet for Thursday’s, so please let me know if you’d like to volunteer.  Also, on Thursday, we will likely need someone to run down to the mall early to grab a field – let me know if you can make yourself available to do that.

Finally, if you got a jersey in this year’s order, please return it to me asap.  If you’re not in our building, the next game would be fine.

That’s all for now kids – ice those shoulders and rest up over the next few days, because on Tuesday we get to lay the (non)partisan smackdown.

Effing A, Mike

Eff Thursday Games

Morning A’s,

In the dignified words of our esteemed colleague, Red Five, Eff Thursday games.  After carting equipment like Peruvian llamas back and forth across our National Mall, Stamm and I were only able to find a moderately inclined, ankle-breaking hole-filled patch of grass just to the south of the Monument.  Sun-drenched tourists flittered all around us on the beautiful afternoon, alternately enjoying their nation’s history and fleeing errant foul balls as the A’s competed in their second Thursday defeat of the season.

We crossed swords with the Government Printing Office, which apparently requires all its workers to still use a manual printing press a minimum of 12 hours per day.  We got off to a late start, both literally and figuratively, as we seemed incapable of producing runs on our 30^o slope.  Unfortunately, that didn’t slow down our opponents, as we let our bugaboo get to us; they scored nine runs in the first two innings as we kept fumbling defensively.  We also struggled at the plate – after Co-MVP Pattycakes Patterson led off the first with a double and run scored, our bats fell silent for the inning.  Co-MVP Bossman Sanderson led off the second in much the same fashion, but yet again The Hammer and the Storm lay dormant.

Seizing on a recently-opened field, the A’s and Prints moved their game, and seemingly at first, their fortunes.  Immediately following our transition to the new diamond, the A’s defense clamped down and only allowed 1 run over the next two frames.  Our Co-MVPs then led a rally in the bottom of the fourth that netted us a few runs and pulled us to within four of the lead.  But the behemoths of the Printing Office were simply too much for us – they started hitting some balls into the upper troposphere and some directly into our chests, shins, etc.  A homerun by Wes failed to spark any momentum in the bottom of the fifth, and though we got two more runs from the meat of our lineup in the 6^th, it wasn’t enough to stop the bleeding.  Before we started a 7^th inning that got called halfway through for a combination of darkness and being dominated we were down 16-9, so I suppose the final score was a good deal uglier than that.

But as with all losses, we should take this as a learning experience.  We learned that Marilyn is far and away the toughest Effing A there is.  We learned that Wild Wild Wes has got some wheels.  We saw some excellent prospects from the farm system continue to develop into ripe, talented A’s.  So let’s take solace in these discoveries, even in defeat, because we’re still within one game of .500 and only a few short days away from another chance to get back up on that horse.  On Tuesday of next week around 6:30pm, we’ll face off against the Margin of Terror, of Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research.  We’ll be playing somewhere on the mall, hopefully at or near our home field.  Please let me know if you want to play.  I’ve got a beverage sponsor for this game and the next (when we take on the REPUBLICANS!  WHOOOO!), but please consider volunteering for a future engagement.

Finally, for those of you just dying to rock our flattering raglan jerseys with the prominent expletive, please let me know.  I don’t have many folks for the order right now, so encourage everyone you know, everyone you work with, and folks you pass on the street on your way to lunch to get one.  If you do want one, please send me an email and let me know the name and number you’d like on it, and what size you want (they tend to run a little on the big side).  I’ll extend my deadline to Monday for the order, so work on folks this weekend.

Mike

Too Big to Win

Happy Wednesday A's,

Boy it feels good to get back up to .500, doesn't it?  That's right – your A's slew some giants last night at their home field, taking down the FDIC's Too Big to Fail to softball team, which it apparently was not.

With the softball gods having bestowed some glorious weather upon us, The A's stormed the field just south of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., determined to exact revenge for last week's blowout loss on whatever naïve squad would unwittingly cross our path.  With the top of the lineup restored from the DL, TheHoffandEDub started things off in grand A's small-ball fashion, both singling and scoring to start a pair of 1.000 batting days.  But they weren't the only two with something to prove.  Former MVPs Alex Stamm and Wild Wild Wes also both batted 1.000 on the day with multiple multi-base hits.  In fact, more than half the team hit better than .500 on the day, as we for the first time this season decided that consistently producing runs might benefit us.  Of the six innings we had on offense, we only failed to score in one of them; we had two innings of 5 runs, two of four runs, and one of 3 runs.  We had solid production and clutch hits from all over the lineup.

Throughout the first four innings, the almighty defensive prowess of the A's dominated the flow of the game.  Alex "Ain't No Stoppin' Me Now!" Stamm martyred his arm for the team in center, only to be replaced by Red Five, who made two double-saving catches out of the tree in center field. Killer Kelly Trout covered the right half of the infield like a vacuum, and K-Dawg nearly ran out of her cleats chasing down a pop fly.  Newly-acquired catcher Ian Eppler also came up with a timely force out at first on a slow trickler down the line.  For a moment though, after the Failures plated 6 in the 5^th inning, things started to look a little grim, but with a second wind generated by cheap alcohol consumption, the A's clamped down through the final two frames and held the FDIC to a total of only 14 runs on the game.

When all was said and done, we took out the team that decimated the Notorious LBC, who had crushed us the week before with a resounding 21-14 victory.  So I think that means we're the best team in the CSL.  Or at least close to it.  We moved back up to .500 on this still-young season with the victory, and, lucky you –we're right back at it tomorrow.  We'll bring the Government Printing Office into the digital age (shamelessly stealing your joke, Matt) tomorrow, around 6:30pm on the mall.  Please let me know if you want to play.  This would also be a great opportunity for those A's who haven't come out yet to join your effing brethren as we steamroll through the league.

Also, I'm still trying to put together a jersey order, which I want to place by this Friday (and I promise I'll put the new logo on these.  My b.).  If you want a jersey, please email me and indicate the name and number you'd like on it, and the size.  There are only very few people who want one as of right now, so they may not be worth ordering unless more of you decide to get these sweet duds.

See you tomorrow A's.

Effing A, Mike

Labor Struggles

Good Afternoon A-erinos!

Well it’s hard to sugarcoat a ten-run loss, so you all will be graciously spared my garrulous description of last night’s game.  We’ll keep it brief today.

On a beautiful sunny afternoon, standing in the shadow of the monument to our great city’s namesake, the First Effing Amendments took on the Notorious LBC, who were either affiliated with the Dept. of Labor/OSHA or BALCO Labs.  With a predominantly southpawed lineup of talented worksite inspectors, The LBCs took it to the A’s early, smashing a staggering 15 runs in the second and third innings (combined), after the A’s had held them scoreless to start.  So the A’s, back in our familiar position of trailing by a long distance, began to claw our way back with six runs and another inning of clamped-down defense to head into the fifth down a mere 15-6.  Then things started to turn a little ugly.  We were mercy-ruled for the first time on the season in the top of the frame, and could only respond with 2 more runs, so we faced a huge deficit of 25-8 as the sixth inning, and some malevolent cloud cover, rolled in.

With the daylight slipping away, the top of the A’s order came up in the sixth and sparked our second 6-run rally of the day.  We held the LBC to only one run in the top of the final inning, but couldn’t muster any more than 2 runs in the bottom half.  The A’s had gone down in defeat, a 26-16 loss for our third of the season, bringing us to 2-3.  But there were plenty of bright spots on an otherwise dismal evening; farm prospect Daniel, who hadn’t touched a bat in a decade, got his first hit as an A in our late rally.  Four players: Red Freyve, Matt Marran, Kathleen Callaghy and Wes “-ley Snipes” MacCleod-Ball all batted 1.000 on the day, and Wes won the MVP beer after appearing in consecutive games for the first time in ages, due largely to his saving the horrendously errant throws from shortstop.  Alex “Ain’t no Stoppin’ Me Now!” Stamm learned the value of a base coach, and we reclaimed Killer Kelly Trout and Brian Levine from the DL.  All in all, it was a pretty good way to lose.

So these are all promising signs as me move forward into our second doubleheader of the season.  Next week we’ve got 2 engagements.  On Tuesday, we’ll face off against Too Big to Fail, the FDIC’s team.  The scouting report on them isn’t overly promising; they kinda sorta decimated the LBC last week.  So after we take down those giant crushers, on Thursday we take on Read the Fine Print, of the Government Printing Office.  Both games will be played at 6:30pm on the mall, at/near 15^th and Constitution.  More details will follow on Monday, though I imagine by now most of you know the routine.

One last note - our game yesterday was also covered by the Roll Call Blog, so if you haven’t already been motivated to come out, maybe a chance at your fifteen minutes of (rather inconsequential) fame will do the trick.

Effing A, Mike