If Only They Had Actually Been Injured.

Howdy, A’s,

Going forward, I’m going to do a better job screening our potential opponents.  For example, a fairly innocuous question such as “Are you guys a professional softball team?” might have spared us last night’s drubbing.  But at least we got to send Mike off in our own inimitable A’s fashion.  Injured Reserves >16, A’s 2.  (Note: I am again winging this sans scorebook).

Hats off to Brian Patterson, who hits well all game and scored half of our runs.  And a very fond farewell to Mike, who is taking his talents to Boston, where he’ll spend the next several months waiting for his knees to stop hurting. 

Okay, recap time.  For those of you who weren’t there, it’ll be helpful to understand who we played.  Imagine that there’s some laboratory somewhere that churns out clones of nine-time Pro Bowl safety John Lynch, and then trains those clones to play softball until they turn 26, and then registers them in the Congressional Softball League.  That’s the Injured Reserves, who I’m guessing have never been injured, ever.  The SOBs hit a series of uncatchable line drives and plate five runs before we can record an out, and log a total of 13 by the bottom of the third.  Wild Wild Wes, whose ERA is definitely in the tank now, started to strategically throw the ball the one place they couldn’t hit it—behind them.  Meanwhile, we learn that making solid contact doesn’t pay, as their defense Hoovers up pretty much everything we hit.  That’s innings 1-3.

The rest of the game proceeds more humanely.  We play solid D and hold them to a few more runs, we score a couple of our own—one of which is Mike’s final RBI of the season (but hopefully not as an A), a sac fly that drove in Pattycakes—and got some solid contributions from Robyn, Sandy and newcomer Andrew.  A special shout-out is also in order to MattMuffin, who did an admirable job holding down first base.  Honestly, A’s, if we play our next three games as well as we played last night, we could win all three of them.  No, seriously.  The Best Performance In A Blowout Award goes to us for last night’s game.

Speaking of next games, we’ve got one on Tuesday.  Same bat time, same bat channel.  We won’t be playing the Sons of Pitches, though, as they’ve been decommissioned, as well (it’s going around, I guess).  Instead, I’ll try to set up a game with The Society for Trifocal Wearers or The National Peglegged Persons Association.  Stay tuned.  Until then,

Effing A, Alex

They Drank Our Milkshake.

Well, A’s,

At least consistency is a virtue.  A little bit of bad luck turned another hard-fought game into another entry in the L column.  Oil Barons 17, A’s 9.

Hats off to MVP Pickypants and really-probably-should-have-been-co-MVP Pat Frey, who both had great days at the plate.

[Disclaimer: I don’t have the memory-jogging benefit of the scorebook this morning, so the rundown may contain factual errors and/or glaring omissions.]  As per usual, our opponents jumped out to a 4-run lead on the strength of an unforeseeably monster jack from their left-fielder, but we wasted no time evening things up with a good first inning that saw three runs plated by the colossal knock of our own Mike “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” Tartaglia (in related news: Mike, I hope you’re ready to get sick of that song).  But the first inning came at a cost—Scott’s ass.  While chasing down an overthrow, Sanderson’s seat hit the pavement and the pavement won, sidelining the clumsy veteran with what team doctors described as a “gluteal contusion”.  Note that this does not stop Scott from singling in the second.  We close the gap a bit with some clutch hitting, including a triple from Frey, but the jerks score four more in the third, and we remain behind.

Late in the game, our aggressive baserunning showed itself to be a double-edged sword.  Little Babe Ruth motored around the paths to score, but our rally died when the Oil Baron throw reached the plate before the sliding Wertz (also, PSA—don’t leave your bat in front of the plate), who in her mercy chose not to go all Pete Rose on the guy, although I sort of suspect The Wertz deep down in her core totally wanted to.  Defensive shout-outs are in order for Jennifer Wunderkind for her quick reflexes at second and Kathleen for making a couple of good throws from the hot corner (note for non-baseball nerds: “hot corner” = third base).  To summarize the last few innings: they score a couple more (bastards!), we hit a bunch of line drives right into their gloves, and then we shook hands.

We’re right back on the horse on Thursday against Nicky’s Knockers (my guess: Jehovah’s Witnesses).  6:30 in one of the usual spots.  Please sponsor the beverages if you haven’t already.  Let me know if you plan on playing.

Effing A,

Alex 

A Disastrous Affair

Happy Thursday kids,

Apparently incapable of recovering from a game in just one day’s time, a battle-weary A’s squad took the field in the shadow of the great white obelisk on a beautiful DC summer evening against the Masters of Disaster, who apparently are neither A) from FEMA nor B) Disastrous in any sense of the word.

A small and mostly veteran squad manned the diamond last night, starting off in a rather dismal, if expected manner.  Once again the home squad, we relinquished 13 runs in a mere 2 innings to the Masters; meanwhile, our only offensive production came from the bat of Alex “Ander the Great” Stamm who hit the first of his two quadruple-baggers of the day to drive in two runs in the first.  In the third, wily veteran K-Dawg “My pitch is worse than my bite” Roth came on in relief of Mr. Prohibition, who continued his hitting streak from the day before to end his A’s career in style, and the defense gelled around its new pitcher.  We allowed just 6 runs over the next four frames (including two scoreless), which perfectly positioned our offense to help navigate our way back into the game.

Unfortunately, the offense missed its cue, only generating one run on a sac fly by E-Dub Wertz, who despite going hitless on the day continued her power surge at the plate.  But she was only one of the women who stood out on the day; Hil Dog broke out in her third start with two hits and two runs scored and K-Diz chipped in with two hits and a run scored of her own.  By the time the sixth inning rolled around, we were in far too deep a hole to climb out of, but these A’s wanted to save some face and really started to put things together at the end of the game.  The first three batters in the 6^th all got singles and were driven in on our second grand salami of the year, the first of back-to-back homers by MVP Skip and cleanup man Stamm.  We got two more runners on before faltering and leaving them stranded, but that put our lineup right back into the same position for the seventh.  After another strong defensive performance to keep the score roughly the same, the Masters got two quick outs in the bottom of the final frame before Will Abbott and Hil Dog punched through singles to give us two baserunners.  My second homer of the day brought in three more runs, but our flame of hope was extinguished shortly thereafter, and the A’s fell to the Masters of Disaster by a final tally of 21-11.

It’s hard to point to any one thing, or even combination of things, that have befuddled us so far this season, leading to our monumental struggles.  It’s really just a combination of little things that add up over the course of a game that cause us to continue to stumble.  So for the remaining 5 or so games of the season, I’d like us to focus on just playing sound baseball.  Let’s keep our focus on defense, where we have played well overall but tend to get erratic like an overexcited puppy before making boneheaded miscues (I of all people am most to blame for those. Sorry.).  Let’s work on becoming more consistent at the plate, being patient with pitches and hustling out every potential hit, because you never know when our opponent’s D will make a mistake.  But most importantly, let’s continue to have the fun we’ve been having, because I don’t know of any other team with a record below .250 that’s been so damn enjoyable to play with.

We’ve got two games next week, which gives us the chance to salvage some bit of dignity from the season.  On Tuesday we face off against the Oil Barons, and Thursday we take on Nicky’s Knockers; both games will commence at 6:30 on the mall.  We’ll likely play on the Ellipse or right next to the monument; more details will follow.  If you haven’t yet sponsored beer for the season, now would be an excellent time to do so since we’re really winding down.  

That’s it for now A’s.  Go rest up this weekend and get ready to kick some effing A next week.

Effing A, Skip

Seeing Stars

Hey A’s,

Thankfully the rain held off long enough for us to get a game in last night, but unfortunately our luck still had not improved from previous weeks and the A’s fell to Nellie’s Ale Stars in a thriller, by a final score of 16-12.

Skip (near) and Hoff (far), rounding the bases

Playing from the rare position of being the visiting team, we busted out of our usual mold right from the get-go, as MVP runner-up The Hoff and LBR (who, I neglected to mention last night, batted 1.000 on the day for the second time this season!) both got on base to start the game. A few clutch base knocks followed, and all of a sudden the A’s had one of their biggest leads of the month of July, quickly going up 4-0 in the top of the first. Yet again we fell victim to an early strong start from our opponents, and they reclaimed the lead in the bottom of the first with a powerful 7 run performance, then extended it in the next frame with four more. But we held right even with them, with lefties Gluten Free and MVP Will Abbott helping the production from the middle of the lineup. Jonathan, our other runner-up to the MVP with 2 doubles, 2 ribbies, and 2 runs scored anchored the bottom half, and the A’s picked up four in the third to keep the game tight at 11-9.

Gluten Free

From there, the game evolved into a defensive battle. Mr. Prohibition came on in relief of K-Dawg to hold the Ale Stars scoreless for three straight frames; in that time, we managed three more runs to take our first late-game lead in what seemed like a decade. Heading into the 6th, our tenuous 1-run lead left us in a much more attractive position than we normally would be that many beers deep, one that it turned out we couldn’t hold. After getting a quick two outs to start on defense, it looked like we’d hold firm but a bloop single started a two-out rally for the Stars, who quickly put up 5 more runs on us in the 6th to wrestle back the lead. Our bats fell silent once again in the 7th – we couldn’t produce any more and when the dust had settled, we lost by a mere four runs.

But there’s no time to get down on ourselves over our 1,985,638th close loss of 2012 – we play again tonight! We’re taking on FEMA’s Masters of Disaster at 6:30. Come join the fun! If you’d like to sponsor beer, I will be forever indebted to you*. Please let me know if you plan on playing and helping us bust out of this slide.

* (but I’m moving soon so get me before I skip town!)

Effing A,
Mike

Nuked!

Hey A’s,

I was so heartbroken over our loss on Tuesday that I couldn’t bring myself to write about it yesterday.  On the precipice of turning around our season, the formerly triumphant A’s (I swear we once were) fell to the mighty Non-Pros, of the Dept. of Energy’s Nuclear Non-Proliferation section in a 15-2 rout.

On an otherwise glorious afternoon, we took to the field on Barry and Shelly’s south lawn seeking redemption from our recent losing streak, but it was not to be.  On our familiar field we followed a familiar pattern, giving up a quick 5 runs in the first inning to dig a hole we’d never be able to climb out of.  We actually tightened things up really well on D after that first frame, giving up just one run in each of the following 3 innings, but even at that pace we couldn’t recover.  Through the first three frames we consistently got a few players on base, only to leave them stranded as the spectacular defensive play of the tree huggers kept us at arms’ length.

Though we had power distributed throughout the lineup, we failed to produce a run until the 4^th inning, when MVP Faith Dawg earned her first hit and scored her first run of the season, taking out the frustration she had saved up from our drubbing at the hands of the Republicans (argh!).  Monumental Matt Marran and Pattycakes each rung up RBIs in that frame, but those two runs were all we’d score on the day.  We regressed back into our early-game struggles, getting a few hits here and there but never putting anything consistent together.  Even bringing in All-Star relievers K-Dawg and The Hammah! wasn’t enough to counter the warming bats of the Nukes, and they started to pull away in the later innings.

Once again though, we should try to look to the positive aspects of this game (rare as they may be) moving forward – E-Dub continued her power surge at the plate, Will Abbott showed us that lefties can indeed play infield, PickyPants maintained his pickiness as one of two A’s who hit perfectly on the day, and Hil-Dawg’s call-up from the minors paid immediate dividends as her hustle and spirit rubbed off on her fellow A’s (but not literally – that’d be creepy.).  So while we didn’t win, we can take solace in these bright spots as we look towards the toughest stretch of schedule we’ll face all season.

Over the next two weeks, we’re playing 4 games; Tuesday and Wednesday next week, Tuesday and Thursday the week after (Taking on Nellie’s Ale Stars, The Masters of Disaster (FEMA), The Oil Barons, and Nicky’s Knockers, in that order).  I would love nothing more than to go out in style with a 4-game win streak, so please join me on the diamond for my swan song(s).  I’ll of course send around more info about the games ahead of time, but please let me know if you plan on playing (and which game), and if you’d like to sponsor beer for any of them – I currently don’t have a volunteer for any of the games.

One final note – after being duly criticized for my poor calculation skills, I have re-tallied the slugging percentages for everyone, so go check out the new and improved stats.

See you next week!

Effing A,

skip

Crushed!

Aloha A’s,

The stifling humidity and scorching sunshine yesterday afternoon weren’t enough to beat down the ARPC Crushers, who torched the A’s in Barry’s back yard last night, 17-9.

The afternoon started out like any other below sea level at the equator.  The heat started claiming victims even before the festivities began, and only with a robust and steady rotation of substitutions were we able to play the entire 7 innings.  The old One-Two played their traditional role of spark plug for the offense, going a combined 5-6 with a run scored.  Co-MVPs Killer Kelly Trout and “Miss October”/LBR each batted 1.00 on the day and combined for two (nearly three) RBIs and another run scored.  Unfortunately, all this stellar production wasn’t enough to fend off the Crushers, who abused the gap on the right side of the infield to have two big innings that really separated them, scoring 4 in the second and 6 in the 7^th to really punch the nail into the coffin. 

The A’s also saw valuable contributions from newcomers Nina “The Pinta and the Santamaria” and “360” L.J., while Nate Dogg earned his first MVP beer for picking off a searing line drive at third base and nearly breaking PickyPants’ hand (the latter being the much more important factor in the MVP determination).  The vets got in on some good action, too – Pattycakes, Red Five, and Will Abbott all batted perfectly on the day, and three others were one hit away from doing so.  All in all, I’d say we played a really good game.  Just not quite good enough to get off the schneid. 

While the Crushers ended their losing streak with the victory, the A’s kept right on rolling with theirs.  We’re now nearing the point of no return, where we won’t be able to achieve a .500 record on the season.  Basically, we’ve got to win out in our remaining 8 games to hit that mark, so it’s time to tighten up those belts, pull up the stirrups, and tap off the cleats kids.  It’s time to get effing serious about this campaign.  I think we haven’t had enough bonding time as a team, so I’d like to go do a little more tomorrow.  We don’t have a game but that doesn’t mean we can’t drink (let’s do a happy hour at the Big Hunt)!  If anyone would like to come out to the best team building exercise possible (multiple reps of the 12-ounce lift), let me know.

Beyond that, we do have a game next Tuesday, which means we have yet another chance to right the ship.  We’ve had 6 losses by four runs or fewer, so let’s get over the hump and go take control of this game and the remainder of our 2012 season.  We’ll take on the Non-Pros, from the Dept. of Energy, Nuclear Non-Proliferation section, one of our oldest and best foes, around 6:30 on the mall.  Let me know if you’d like to take part in our glorious resurrection (that Jesus guy’s got nothing on us)!

Effing A, Mike

Stats!

Behold! Check out the full spreadsheet for per-game and individual stats. Effin' A

Snakebitten!

Morning A’s,

Yet again, your battle-hardened A’s team fell by the slimmest of margins, losing by just one single, little run to the COBRAs last night on the mall.  The beautiful weather could not help the solid core of our squad overcome the big bats of Slevin & Hart, and we dropped another way-too-close game.

Much like our game on Tuesday, the A’s traded shots with the snakes early and often.  A revamped early lineup featuring Will Abbott (who batted 1.000 on the day), Wild Wild Wes, and K to the Dizzle started by gashing the COBRAs’ D for 4 runs in the first.  That early lead was a bit too tenuous for us, so we got back into familiar territory by giving up 5 quick runs in the next frame (because the COBRAs apparently drafted A-Rod’s younger brother).  Led by the proficient pitching of Will “the Hammah!” Horowitz, a couple of defensive substitutions (most notably putting E-Dub the ball hawk in short outfield) helped us tighten things up and we held nearly steady with the COBRAs through the next few innings.  For every few runs they put across, we came right back with some of our own, and we headed into the later stages of the game down 17-11.

In the 6^th inning, we really started to cut into that lead; The Hammah! got himself on base with a clutch single, and was driven in by your good ole skip (who brought home his first-ever MVP beer (thanks, guys!)); then the top of the order came back up and K-Diz punched in Will Abbott.  All of a sudden we were down 17-14, and decided it might be a nice time to actually clamp down on D.  So we held them scoreless, and faced a mere 3-run deficit going into the final frame.  Wild Wild Wes led off and became our first baserunner.  Matt the Magnificent followed him with a blast that took another chunk out of the Washington Monument, and the A’s were down by just 1 with no outs.  But alas, lady luck was not on our side, and we could only muster one more base hit before the COBRAs finally sunk their fangs in - those two runs were all we’d get as we fell in yet another really tight battle.

So our record right now isn’t the prettiest, but it’s also far from an accurate portrayal of this squad.  Every week I continue to marvel at the effort and talent of this team, and to be honest, it’s a crying shame that we’ve lost so many close games that could have easily been turned on just one or two unlucky (for us) breaks.  We’re the most competitive losing team I’ve ever been a part of.  But I don’t want that to be our identity – I want to start putting together a winning streak that will carry us to plus-.500 glory.  So please join me and your beloved A’s next Tuesday, as we take on the ARP Crushers, at 6:30 on the mall.  If you haven’t come out this year, why not next week?  I think if we get some fresh cheerleading blood down on the field it’ll really help improve our fortunes.  Even if you don’t want to play, come drink and yell at a supposedly non-competitive sporting event with us!

Effing A, Mike

It Feels So Good to Be Back (to winning)!

Buenos Dias A’s,

HOLY COW What a game!  Squaring off against the Disablers of the Social Security Administration in our new ballpark last evening, the First Effing Amendments got their first effing taste of victory in nearly a month, in about the most epic fashion possible.

The game started off as a see-saw battle with the lumber of both the A’s and the Disablers active early and often.  With a group pared down slightly from Tuesday’s excellent turnout (and a temperature thankfully pared down from the forecast), everyone offered up some valuable contributions throughout the game.  We started strong in the first, scoring five runs on (what else) mostly singles, including Ian “Desmond” Eppler’s and “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Me” Stamm’s first of two hits a piece on the day.  The Disablers struck right back in the second, scoring a quick six runs, but Wild Wild Wes, who along with K-Dizzle batted 1.000 and scored two runs (making them our Co-Runner-Up-MVPs), kept things close when he was driven in by the bat of newcomer Erin Stock. 

Following a few more innings of back-and-forth and the requisite defensive adjustments, the A’s had kept the game close, going into the 7^th down 2 by a score of 13-11.

Unfortunately, that seventh inning didn’t start off so well for us.  By this point, the Marine Corps Brass Band had started filling the early-evening air with an intoxicating aura of patriotic melodies, and tourists began lining up in our outfield to take in the game.  The meat of the Disablers’ lineup started things off, and the defense that had held them scoreless through the past 2 frames broke down a bit.  After two quick runs, their four-run lead seemed to have put the game just out of reach.  But 2-time MVP and clutch hitter extraordinaire Wes was leading off, and did so in style with a thundering blast to deep right field.  We were down 3.  Jennifer Wunderkind punches through a single.  Mighty Matt Marran finds another hole in the defense.  Erin drops yet another single on the Disablers, and all of a sudden we’ve got the bases juiced.  An unfortunate foul out tamped our rising hopes, but then in stepped Scott “Bossman” Sanderson.  After watching pitch after poor pitch fall listlessly at his feet, the Disablers’ pitcher put a big fat meatball out over the plate – CRACCCKKK! I knew it was gone the second he hit it.  The yellow-green hue of the softball looked so lovely against the night sky as it sailed past the outstretched arms of the outfielder, and Scott got on his horse to bring home the first grand-slam walkoff in A’s history (confirmed by the Elias Sports Bureau).

It sure feels great to have won a game, but we’ve still got plenty of work to do to ensure we stay on the winning track for the remaining 12 or so games of our season.  Next week we face off against Team Dump Truck.  I bet they have great personalities.  We’ll be playing at 6:30 on the mall, hopefully right on that same field adjacent to the Monument – let me know if you’re in.

Go ice those shoulders and have a wonderful weekend, A’s.

Effing A, Mike

Rain Rain Go Away

Hey A’s,

I hope that you’ve been able to dry out a bit since yesterday; pretty much everything I own is still drenched from the downpour that cut short last night’s game against fill-in opponents the Triskellions.  And it’s a damn shame we got rained out, since the A’s looked poised to capture what would have been their fifth victory of the season; instead, having to call the game after 6 innings, we came up just short in our quest and dropped our 10^th game of the season.

On what started out as a beautiful afternoon, the A’s played up to the weather, with formidable defensive work and consistent offensive production.  A little tinkering on defense brought Killer Kelly Trout to the mound and the swift legs of the Hoff to cover right field.  The changes paid off as the A’s kept things close with the Triskellions early and then throughout the game.  The lead changed hands probably 5 or six times through the course of the night; for every run our opponents scored, the A’s managed to counter with a few of their own.  Magnificent Matt Marran had a couple of timely base knocks, and Little Babe Ruth drew one of the longest at-bats of the season (completely exhausting the opposing spin-pitcher) before scoring her second run of the year.  Nathaniel “Bacon” and “Ain’t no Stoppin’ Me” Stamm both swung the bat really well but caught some bad breaks in ball placement. 

After putting together one of the most consistent performances in A’s history, we held the lead heading into the final frame, when the skies completely opened up.  As visibility dropped as precipitously as the precipitation, the Skellions plated 4 runs to take a 13-10 lead.  In the bottom half, we promptly loaded the bases but the conditions got so terrible that we I started to lost control of the bat and whatnot (but thankfully not my right patella), and we only managed to score one of the runners, leaving 2 stranded as we scurried off the field in a monsoon, losing by a final tally of 13-11.

Effing A, Mike