If Only They Had Actually Been Injured.

Howdy, A’s,

Going forward, I’m going to do a better job screening our potential opponents.  For example, a fairly innocuous question such as “Are you guys a professional softball team?” might have spared us last night’s drubbing.  But at least we got to send Mike off in our own inimitable A’s fashion.  Injured Reserves >16, A’s 2.  (Note: I am again winging this sans scorebook).

Hats off to Brian Patterson, who hits well all game and scored half of our runs.  And a very fond farewell to Mike, who is taking his talents to Boston, where he’ll spend the next several months waiting for his knees to stop hurting. 

Okay, recap time.  For those of you who weren’t there, it’ll be helpful to understand who we played.  Imagine that there’s some laboratory somewhere that churns out clones of nine-time Pro Bowl safety John Lynch, and then trains those clones to play softball until they turn 26, and then registers them in the Congressional Softball League.  That’s the Injured Reserves, who I’m guessing have never been injured, ever.  The SOBs hit a series of uncatchable line drives and plate five runs before we can record an out, and log a total of 13 by the bottom of the third.  Wild Wild Wes, whose ERA is definitely in the tank now, started to strategically throw the ball the one place they couldn’t hit it—behind them.  Meanwhile, we learn that making solid contact doesn’t pay, as their defense Hoovers up pretty much everything we hit.  That’s innings 1-3.

The rest of the game proceeds more humanely.  We play solid D and hold them to a few more runs, we score a couple of our own—one of which is Mike’s final RBI of the season (but hopefully not as an A), a sac fly that drove in Pattycakes—and got some solid contributions from Robyn, Sandy and newcomer Andrew.  A special shout-out is also in order to MattMuffin, who did an admirable job holding down first base.  Honestly, A’s, if we play our next three games as well as we played last night, we could win all three of them.  No, seriously.  The Best Performance In A Blowout Award goes to us for last night’s game.

Speaking of next games, we’ve got one on Tuesday.  Same bat time, same bat channel.  We won’t be playing the Sons of Pitches, though, as they’ve been decommissioned, as well (it’s going around, I guess).  Instead, I’ll try to set up a game with The Society for Trifocal Wearers or The National Peglegged Persons Association.  Stay tuned.  Until then,

Effing A, Alex

They Drank Our Milkshake.

Well, A’s,

At least consistency is a virtue.  A little bit of bad luck turned another hard-fought game into another entry in the L column.  Oil Barons 17, A’s 9.

Hats off to MVP Pickypants and really-probably-should-have-been-co-MVP Pat Frey, who both had great days at the plate.

[Disclaimer: I don’t have the memory-jogging benefit of the scorebook this morning, so the rundown may contain factual errors and/or glaring omissions.]  As per usual, our opponents jumped out to a 4-run lead on the strength of an unforeseeably monster jack from their left-fielder, but we wasted no time evening things up with a good first inning that saw three runs plated by the colossal knock of our own Mike “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” Tartaglia (in related news: Mike, I hope you’re ready to get sick of that song).  But the first inning came at a cost—Scott’s ass.  While chasing down an overthrow, Sanderson’s seat hit the pavement and the pavement won, sidelining the clumsy veteran with what team doctors described as a “gluteal contusion”.  Note that this does not stop Scott from singling in the second.  We close the gap a bit with some clutch hitting, including a triple from Frey, but the jerks score four more in the third, and we remain behind.

Late in the game, our aggressive baserunning showed itself to be a double-edged sword.  Little Babe Ruth motored around the paths to score, but our rally died when the Oil Baron throw reached the plate before the sliding Wertz (also, PSA—don’t leave your bat in front of the plate), who in her mercy chose not to go all Pete Rose on the guy, although I sort of suspect The Wertz deep down in her core totally wanted to.  Defensive shout-outs are in order for Jennifer Wunderkind for her quick reflexes at second and Kathleen for making a couple of good throws from the hot corner (note for non-baseball nerds: “hot corner” = third base).  To summarize the last few innings: they score a couple more (bastards!), we hit a bunch of line drives right into their gloves, and then we shook hands.

We’re right back on the horse on Thursday against Nicky’s Knockers (my guess: Jehovah’s Witnesses).  6:30 in one of the usual spots.  Please sponsor the beverages if you haven’t already.  Let me know if you plan on playing.

Effing A,

Alex 

A Disastrous Affair

Happy Thursday kids,

Apparently incapable of recovering from a game in just one day’s time, a battle-weary A’s squad took the field in the shadow of the great white obelisk on a beautiful DC summer evening against the Masters of Disaster, who apparently are neither A) from FEMA nor B) Disastrous in any sense of the word.

A small and mostly veteran squad manned the diamond last night, starting off in a rather dismal, if expected manner.  Once again the home squad, we relinquished 13 runs in a mere 2 innings to the Masters; meanwhile, our only offensive production came from the bat of Alex “Ander the Great” Stamm who hit the first of his two quadruple-baggers of the day to drive in two runs in the first.  In the third, wily veteran K-Dawg “My pitch is worse than my bite” Roth came on in relief of Mr. Prohibition, who continued his hitting streak from the day before to end his A’s career in style, and the defense gelled around its new pitcher.  We allowed just 6 runs over the next four frames (including two scoreless), which perfectly positioned our offense to help navigate our way back into the game.

Unfortunately, the offense missed its cue, only generating one run on a sac fly by E-Dub Wertz, who despite going hitless on the day continued her power surge at the plate.  But she was only one of the women who stood out on the day; Hil Dog broke out in her third start with two hits and two runs scored and K-Diz chipped in with two hits and a run scored of her own.  By the time the sixth inning rolled around, we were in far too deep a hole to climb out of, but these A’s wanted to save some face and really started to put things together at the end of the game.  The first three batters in the 6^th all got singles and were driven in on our second grand salami of the year, the first of back-to-back homers by MVP Skip and cleanup man Stamm.  We got two more runners on before faltering and leaving them stranded, but that put our lineup right back into the same position for the seventh.  After another strong defensive performance to keep the score roughly the same, the Masters got two quick outs in the bottom of the final frame before Will Abbott and Hil Dog punched through singles to give us two baserunners.  My second homer of the day brought in three more runs, but our flame of hope was extinguished shortly thereafter, and the A’s fell to the Masters of Disaster by a final tally of 21-11.

It’s hard to point to any one thing, or even combination of things, that have befuddled us so far this season, leading to our monumental struggles.  It’s really just a combination of little things that add up over the course of a game that cause us to continue to stumble.  So for the remaining 5 or so games of the season, I’d like us to focus on just playing sound baseball.  Let’s keep our focus on defense, where we have played well overall but tend to get erratic like an overexcited puppy before making boneheaded miscues (I of all people am most to blame for those. Sorry.).  Let’s work on becoming more consistent at the plate, being patient with pitches and hustling out every potential hit, because you never know when our opponent’s D will make a mistake.  But most importantly, let’s continue to have the fun we’ve been having, because I don’t know of any other team with a record below .250 that’s been so damn enjoyable to play with.

We’ve got two games next week, which gives us the chance to salvage some bit of dignity from the season.  On Tuesday we face off against the Oil Barons, and Thursday we take on Nicky’s Knockers; both games will commence at 6:30 on the mall.  We’ll likely play on the Ellipse or right next to the monument; more details will follow.  If you haven’t yet sponsored beer for the season, now would be an excellent time to do so since we’re really winding down.  

That’s it for now A’s.  Go rest up this weekend and get ready to kick some effing A next week.

Effing A, Skip

Seeing Stars

Hey A’s,

Thankfully the rain held off long enough for us to get a game in last night, but unfortunately our luck still had not improved from previous weeks and the A’s fell to Nellie’s Ale Stars in a thriller, by a final score of 16-12.

Skip (near) and Hoff (far), rounding the bases

Playing from the rare position of being the visiting team, we busted out of our usual mold right from the get-go, as MVP runner-up The Hoff and LBR (who, I neglected to mention last night, batted 1.000 on the day for the second time this season!) both got on base to start the game. A few clutch base knocks followed, and all of a sudden the A’s had one of their biggest leads of the month of July, quickly going up 4-0 in the top of the first. Yet again we fell victim to an early strong start from our opponents, and they reclaimed the lead in the bottom of the first with a powerful 7 run performance, then extended it in the next frame with four more. But we held right even with them, with lefties Gluten Free and MVP Will Abbott helping the production from the middle of the lineup. Jonathan, our other runner-up to the MVP with 2 doubles, 2 ribbies, and 2 runs scored anchored the bottom half, and the A’s picked up four in the third to keep the game tight at 11-9.

Gluten Free

From there, the game evolved into a defensive battle. Mr. Prohibition came on in relief of K-Dawg to hold the Ale Stars scoreless for three straight frames; in that time, we managed three more runs to take our first late-game lead in what seemed like a decade. Heading into the 6th, our tenuous 1-run lead left us in a much more attractive position than we normally would be that many beers deep, one that it turned out we couldn’t hold. After getting a quick two outs to start on defense, it looked like we’d hold firm but a bloop single started a two-out rally for the Stars, who quickly put up 5 more runs on us in the 6th to wrestle back the lead. Our bats fell silent once again in the 7th – we couldn’t produce any more and when the dust had settled, we lost by a mere four runs.

But there’s no time to get down on ourselves over our 1,985,638th close loss of 2012 – we play again tonight! We’re taking on FEMA’s Masters of Disaster at 6:30. Come join the fun! If you’d like to sponsor beer, I will be forever indebted to you*. Please let me know if you plan on playing and helping us bust out of this slide.

* (but I’m moving soon so get me before I skip town!)

Effing A,
Mike

Nuked!

Hey A’s,

I was so heartbroken over our loss on Tuesday that I couldn’t bring myself to write about it yesterday.  On the precipice of turning around our season, the formerly triumphant A’s (I swear we once were) fell to the mighty Non-Pros, of the Dept. of Energy’s Nuclear Non-Proliferation section in a 15-2 rout.

On an otherwise glorious afternoon, we took to the field on Barry and Shelly’s south lawn seeking redemption from our recent losing streak, but it was not to be.  On our familiar field we followed a familiar pattern, giving up a quick 5 runs in the first inning to dig a hole we’d never be able to climb out of.  We actually tightened things up really well on D after that first frame, giving up just one run in each of the following 3 innings, but even at that pace we couldn’t recover.  Through the first three frames we consistently got a few players on base, only to leave them stranded as the spectacular defensive play of the tree huggers kept us at arms’ length.

Though we had power distributed throughout the lineup, we failed to produce a run until the 4^th inning, when MVP Faith Dawg earned her first hit and scored her first run of the season, taking out the frustration she had saved up from our drubbing at the hands of the Republicans (argh!).  Monumental Matt Marran and Pattycakes each rung up RBIs in that frame, but those two runs were all we’d score on the day.  We regressed back into our early-game struggles, getting a few hits here and there but never putting anything consistent together.  Even bringing in All-Star relievers K-Dawg and The Hammah! wasn’t enough to counter the warming bats of the Nukes, and they started to pull away in the later innings.

Once again though, we should try to look to the positive aspects of this game (rare as they may be) moving forward – E-Dub continued her power surge at the plate, Will Abbott showed us that lefties can indeed play infield, PickyPants maintained his pickiness as one of two A’s who hit perfectly on the day, and Hil-Dawg’s call-up from the minors paid immediate dividends as her hustle and spirit rubbed off on her fellow A’s (but not literally – that’d be creepy.).  So while we didn’t win, we can take solace in these bright spots as we look towards the toughest stretch of schedule we’ll face all season.

Over the next two weeks, we’re playing 4 games; Tuesday and Wednesday next week, Tuesday and Thursday the week after (Taking on Nellie’s Ale Stars, The Masters of Disaster (FEMA), The Oil Barons, and Nicky’s Knockers, in that order).  I would love nothing more than to go out in style with a 4-game win streak, so please join me on the diamond for my swan song(s).  I’ll of course send around more info about the games ahead of time, but please let me know if you plan on playing (and which game), and if you’d like to sponsor beer for any of them – I currently don’t have a volunteer for any of the games.

One final note – after being duly criticized for my poor calculation skills, I have re-tallied the slugging percentages for everyone, so go check out the new and improved stats.

See you next week!

Effing A,

skip

Crushed!

Aloha A’s,

The stifling humidity and scorching sunshine yesterday afternoon weren’t enough to beat down the ARPC Crushers, who torched the A’s in Barry’s back yard last night, 17-9.

The afternoon started out like any other below sea level at the equator.  The heat started claiming victims even before the festivities began, and only with a robust and steady rotation of substitutions were we able to play the entire 7 innings.  The old One-Two played their traditional role of spark plug for the offense, going a combined 5-6 with a run scored.  Co-MVPs Killer Kelly Trout and “Miss October”/LBR each batted 1.00 on the day and combined for two (nearly three) RBIs and another run scored.  Unfortunately, all this stellar production wasn’t enough to fend off the Crushers, who abused the gap on the right side of the infield to have two big innings that really separated them, scoring 4 in the second and 6 in the 7^th to really punch the nail into the coffin. 

The A’s also saw valuable contributions from newcomers Nina “The Pinta and the Santamaria” and “360” L.J., while Nate Dogg earned his first MVP beer for picking off a searing line drive at third base and nearly breaking PickyPants’ hand (the latter being the much more important factor in the MVP determination).  The vets got in on some good action, too – Pattycakes, Red Five, and Will Abbott all batted perfectly on the day, and three others were one hit away from doing so.  All in all, I’d say we played a really good game.  Just not quite good enough to get off the schneid. 

While the Crushers ended their losing streak with the victory, the A’s kept right on rolling with theirs.  We’re now nearing the point of no return, where we won’t be able to achieve a .500 record on the season.  Basically, we’ve got to win out in our remaining 8 games to hit that mark, so it’s time to tighten up those belts, pull up the stirrups, and tap off the cleats kids.  It’s time to get effing serious about this campaign.  I think we haven’t had enough bonding time as a team, so I’d like to go do a little more tomorrow.  We don’t have a game but that doesn’t mean we can’t drink (let’s do a happy hour at the Big Hunt)!  If anyone would like to come out to the best team building exercise possible (multiple reps of the 12-ounce lift), let me know.

Beyond that, we do have a game next Tuesday, which means we have yet another chance to right the ship.  We’ve had 6 losses by four runs or fewer, so let’s get over the hump and go take control of this game and the remainder of our 2012 season.  We’ll take on the Non-Pros, from the Dept. of Energy, Nuclear Non-Proliferation section, one of our oldest and best foes, around 6:30 on the mall.  Let me know if you’d like to take part in our glorious resurrection (that Jesus guy’s got nothing on us)!

Effing A, Mike

Stats!

Behold! Check out the full spreadsheet for per-game and individual stats. Effin' A

Snakebitten!

Morning A’s,

Yet again, your battle-hardened A’s team fell by the slimmest of margins, losing by just one single, little run to the COBRAs last night on the mall.  The beautiful weather could not help the solid core of our squad overcome the big bats of Slevin & Hart, and we dropped another way-too-close game.

Much like our game on Tuesday, the A’s traded shots with the snakes early and often.  A revamped early lineup featuring Will Abbott (who batted 1.000 on the day), Wild Wild Wes, and K to the Dizzle started by gashing the COBRAs’ D for 4 runs in the first.  That early lead was a bit too tenuous for us, so we got back into familiar territory by giving up 5 quick runs in the next frame (because the COBRAs apparently drafted A-Rod’s younger brother).  Led by the proficient pitching of Will “the Hammah!” Horowitz, a couple of defensive substitutions (most notably putting E-Dub the ball hawk in short outfield) helped us tighten things up and we held nearly steady with the COBRAs through the next few innings.  For every few runs they put across, we came right back with some of our own, and we headed into the later stages of the game down 17-11.

In the 6^th inning, we really started to cut into that lead; The Hammah! got himself on base with a clutch single, and was driven in by your good ole skip (who brought home his first-ever MVP beer (thanks, guys!)); then the top of the order came back up and K-Diz punched in Will Abbott.  All of a sudden we were down 17-14, and decided it might be a nice time to actually clamp down on D.  So we held them scoreless, and faced a mere 3-run deficit going into the final frame.  Wild Wild Wes led off and became our first baserunner.  Matt the Magnificent followed him with a blast that took another chunk out of the Washington Monument, and the A’s were down by just 1 with no outs.  But alas, lady luck was not on our side, and we could only muster one more base hit before the COBRAs finally sunk their fangs in - those two runs were all we’d get as we fell in yet another really tight battle.

So our record right now isn’t the prettiest, but it’s also far from an accurate portrayal of this squad.  Every week I continue to marvel at the effort and talent of this team, and to be honest, it’s a crying shame that we’ve lost so many close games that could have easily been turned on just one or two unlucky (for us) breaks.  We’re the most competitive losing team I’ve ever been a part of.  But I don’t want that to be our identity – I want to start putting together a winning streak that will carry us to plus-.500 glory.  So please join me and your beloved A’s next Tuesday, as we take on the ARP Crushers, at 6:30 on the mall.  If you haven’t come out this year, why not next week?  I think if we get some fresh cheerleading blood down on the field it’ll really help improve our fortunes.  Even if you don’t want to play, come drink and yell at a supposedly non-competitive sporting event with us!

Effing A, Mike

It Feels So Good to Be Back (to winning)!

Buenos Dias A’s,

HOLY COW What a game!  Squaring off against the Disablers of the Social Security Administration in our new ballpark last evening, the First Effing Amendments got their first effing taste of victory in nearly a month, in about the most epic fashion possible.

The game started off as a see-saw battle with the lumber of both the A’s and the Disablers active early and often.  With a group pared down slightly from Tuesday’s excellent turnout (and a temperature thankfully pared down from the forecast), everyone offered up some valuable contributions throughout the game.  We started strong in the first, scoring five runs on (what else) mostly singles, including Ian “Desmond” Eppler’s and “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Me” Stamm’s first of two hits a piece on the day.  The Disablers struck right back in the second, scoring a quick six runs, but Wild Wild Wes, who along with K-Dizzle batted 1.000 and scored two runs (making them our Co-Runner-Up-MVPs), kept things close when he was driven in by the bat of newcomer Erin Stock. 

Following a few more innings of back-and-forth and the requisite defensive adjustments, the A’s had kept the game close, going into the 7^th down 2 by a score of 13-11.

Unfortunately, that seventh inning didn’t start off so well for us.  By this point, the Marine Corps Brass Band had started filling the early-evening air with an intoxicating aura of patriotic melodies, and tourists began lining up in our outfield to take in the game.  The meat of the Disablers’ lineup started things off, and the defense that had held them scoreless through the past 2 frames broke down a bit.  After two quick runs, their four-run lead seemed to have put the game just out of reach.  But 2-time MVP and clutch hitter extraordinaire Wes was leading off, and did so in style with a thundering blast to deep right field.  We were down 3.  Jennifer Wunderkind punches through a single.  Mighty Matt Marran finds another hole in the defense.  Erin drops yet another single on the Disablers, and all of a sudden we’ve got the bases juiced.  An unfortunate foul out tamped our rising hopes, but then in stepped Scott “Bossman” Sanderson.  After watching pitch after poor pitch fall listlessly at his feet, the Disablers’ pitcher put a big fat meatball out over the plate – CRACCCKKK! I knew it was gone the second he hit it.  The yellow-green hue of the softball looked so lovely against the night sky as it sailed past the outstretched arms of the outfielder, and Scott got on his horse to bring home the first grand-slam walkoff in A’s history (confirmed by the Elias Sports Bureau).

It sure feels great to have won a game, but we’ve still got plenty of work to do to ensure we stay on the winning track for the remaining 12 or so games of our season.  Next week we face off against Team Dump Truck.  I bet they have great personalities.  We’ll be playing at 6:30 on the mall, hopefully right on that same field adjacent to the Monument – let me know if you’re in.

Go ice those shoulders and have a wonderful weekend, A’s.

Effing A, Mike

Rain Rain Go Away

Hey A’s,

I hope that you’ve been able to dry out a bit since yesterday; pretty much everything I own is still drenched from the downpour that cut short last night’s game against fill-in opponents the Triskellions.  And it’s a damn shame we got rained out, since the A’s looked poised to capture what would have been their fifth victory of the season; instead, having to call the game after 6 innings, we came up just short in our quest and dropped our 10^th game of the season.

On what started out as a beautiful afternoon, the A’s played up to the weather, with formidable defensive work and consistent offensive production.  A little tinkering on defense brought Killer Kelly Trout to the mound and the swift legs of the Hoff to cover right field.  The changes paid off as the A’s kept things close with the Triskellions early and then throughout the game.  The lead changed hands probably 5 or six times through the course of the night; for every run our opponents scored, the A’s managed to counter with a few of their own.  Magnificent Matt Marran had a couple of timely base knocks, and Little Babe Ruth drew one of the longest at-bats of the season (completely exhausting the opposing spin-pitcher) before scoring her second run of the year.  Nathaniel “Bacon” and “Ain’t no Stoppin’ Me” Stamm both swung the bat really well but caught some bad breaks in ball placement. 

After putting together one of the most consistent performances in A’s history, we held the lead heading into the final frame, when the skies completely opened up.  As visibility dropped as precipitously as the precipitation, the Skellions plated 4 runs to take a 13-10 lead.  In the bottom half, we promptly loaded the bases but the conditions got so terrible that we I started to lost control of the bat and whatnot (but thankfully not my right patella), and we only managed to score one of the runners, leaving 2 stranded as we scurried off the field in a monsoon, losing by a final tally of 13-11.

Effing A, Mike

We got served.

Hey A’s,

Well our Independence Day parade certainly got rained on.  Not literally, though that would have been kind of nice considering the roughly 1300% humidity on Tuesday afternoon – the A’s got shut down by the Service Nationals on the south lawn of the White House.

To say we struggled at the plate would probably be putting things a bit too mildly; other than a futile flurry of activity in the last inning, the A’s managed just 3 runs for almost the entire game.  We started out trailing 5-2 and just could not manage to make up any ground on the Service Nats.  Stout defense helped keep things relatively close, but our hits were few and far between, preventing us from gaining any momentum.  A few innings after K-Dawg came on in relief of Mr. Prohibition, our opponents had figured out her deadly screwball and started to generate the consistency we were so desperately lacking. By the time the last inning rolled around, we faced a deficit of 14 runs – we were able to cut that to ten with a small bit of a 2-out rally, but the game ended there at 17-7, and like all those hopefuls at Nathan’s who go home with nothing more than a bellyache after facing Joey Chestnut, our July 4^th celebration was ruined.

Yet again, as with every loss, there are some good things we did in this game that we should look to build upon next week.  We had three hitters all bat 1.000 on the day – Hoff, MVP Jennifer Wunderkind, and K-Dawg (the last 2 doing so for the first time this season)  We had excellent defensive play from Will Abbott out in left field, and from the platoon of K-Dizzle and Noops on second.  Many of us had one or two good hits, but we just couldn’t get a sustained offensive push.

Effing A, Mike

Tickled!

Morning A’s,

Try as we might, the A’s just can’t seem to get this winning streak started.  We looked ready to do so last night, facing off against the Freedom Ticklers and seeking revenge for last year’s blowout 19-2 loss literally in the shadow of the Washington Monument, after our habitat became the victim of reforestation (damn Park Service with your trees and fresh air and whatnot).  With the warm afternoon sun radiating out from behind the obelisk, the perfect weather for the game seemed to put the A’s in prime position to start climbing back through the ranks of the CSL.

Diverting from our usual trajectory of starting games in a huge hole, the A’s stormed out of the gate yesterday.  Four of our first 5 hitters singled and were promptly driven home by Little Babe Ruth and Will Abbott, who led the team in RBIs.  We scored four runs in the bottom of the first to take an early lead, and after a bit of a see-saw battle in which practically the entire second half of the order was driven in by Will The Hammer Horowitz’s monster blast, the A’s and Ticklers were tied after 3 innings.  A couple of key defensive adjustments, notably bringing up AAA Prospect Nasty Nate to man first base and putting Wild Wild “Ow My Clavicle!” Wes out in left field helped seal up the few leaky spots we had early.  We again battled the Ticklers to a tie – heading into the sixth inning, it was all knotted up at 9.

The Ticks pounced on a few clutch hits to quickly score two runs in the top half, but MVP Brian “Dirt Devil” Patterson decided to take control of the outfield – his miraculous diving catch to end the inning stopped the bleeding and saved the As’ hopes of a comeback.  In the bottom of the inning, Nasty Nate and Mr. Prohibition tried to spark a 2-out rally but we just couldn’t muster much offense against Spinny McSmokersteinand failed to bring home the baserunners.  Following another strong defensive outing with Pattycakes’ second web gem of the day, the A’s were still down two in the 7^th.  This time we started a bit earlier, getting two men/women on with only one out and two of our most feared offensive weapons stepping to the plate.  But alas, this was not our time, as the spinning balls were too much for our hitters, and we fell to the Ticklers by the much more respectable score of 11-9.

Effin' A, Mike.

State of Despair

Morning A’s,

As much as this postgame rundown feels Mike’s absence, the middle of our lineup and infield felt it even more, as the 10^th Amendments dropped our Skipless squad 14-3. 

If it’s any consolation, things could have been a lot worse.  DHS might have indefinitely detained our (Spoiler alert!) MVP Pickypants Connors for his pregame email, which involved the word “Ellipse” and a surveillance keyword (hint: sounds like “shmijack”), but they were kind enough to settle for a brief security sweep.  After we were allowed back on the field, though, our luck ran a little short.  We picked up a first inning run from Bri Guy’s swift baserunning, but the States-Rightsers knocked in four runs to take a lead they’d never relinquish.  Stymied by MLB-length basepaths, our bats fell silent in the 2^nd and 3^rd, but clutch defense kept it close.  Then came the top of the 4^th, when we loaded the bases thanks to line drives from Patrick “Federal Watchlist” Connors and Kelly Trout, and timely hits from our lone lefty Will and Jennifer Wunderkind plated two runs.  The score stood 6-3.  More sparkling defense from our Prohibition pitcher and Scott Sanderson kept it close until the bottom half of the 5^th, when the other guys scored six more.  The fat lady started warming up her pipes.  It looked like we’d have one last shot at redemption in the 7^th, when The Colossus of Trout smoked a double down the line, but third-base coach Sanderson decided to play some defense for the other team and called it foul.  Scott was fired permanently from coaching third base, and the next batter popped out to the catcher for the final out.

The loss puts the fighting faithful on a four-game skid, which we’ll look to end next Tuesday when we take on the Freedom Ticklers.  Who the hell knows what organization that is.  Let’s just hope they don’t get too handsy when we’re on the basepaths.  I hope to see you all next Tuesday at 6:30, on or near our home field.  Mike will be back from Boston to resume coaching duties, so let him know if you’re going to play.  Until then,

Effing A, Alex

I Hate Losing to Republicans.

Hi A’s.

Well.  That stunk.

Not you guys – the loss itself.  I just hate losing to Republicans, especially by double-digits.  Though we struggled valiantly, evil   prevailed in the epic battle waged near the Great Obelisk last night.  The A’s fell to the RNC by a finally tally of 23-10.

Fielding our most robust squad of the season, the A’s played much better than the final score would indicate.  We jumped out to an early lead in the first inning on the bats of many of our veterans, including MVP E-Dub’s first hit and run scored of the day.  She’d later homer in the fourth, driving in three runs, and bat perfectly on the day – basically, she was about half our offense.  Mr. Stamm wasn’t too shabby himself, also notching a dinger as part of a 1.000 performance.  The infusion of fresh blood from the likes of Jenna Leventoff, (S)Noops, and “Keepin’ the” Faith Shapiro helped keep the A’s competitive early, but as the beers dried up apparently so did our defense for an inning.  The Republicans plated 9 runs in the third , taking control of a lead they refused to relinquish without a sizeable campaign Super PAC contribution. 

But the resilient A’s continued to fight, and scored consistently (though in small amounts) for the remainder of the game.  We had good hitting throughout the lineup, with nearly everyone getting on base at some point.  I saw some excellent development among the young crop, with Mr. Prohibition, Ian, and Little Babe Ruth each hitting in the clutch (and I believe LBR’s first run of the season).  Returning from a long stint on the DL, The Fulton of Swat got two hits and a ribbie, and the two K’s (Dizzle and Dawg) contributed with some clutch hitting of their own.  Will Abbot, Picky Pants, and Wild Wild Wes each pitched in with perfect hitting performances.  All in all, we played well, but the R’s played just a bit better.  And just like that, the Republicans had defeated part of the Constitution, again.

So A’s, let’s build off the momentum generated last night and stand up for the top half of the bill of rights.  We’re starting a new tradition tomorrow night as we inaugurate the Battle of the Amendments!  We square off against the 10^th Amendments, the National Conference of State Legislators. 

That’s it for now kids.  I’m sitting out the next game but I’m back in the fight next week with you for our second straight double-header when we take on the Freedom Ticklers and The Disablers (Tuesday and Thursday, respectively).

Effing A, Mike

Just Because We're Nonpartisan Doesn't Mean We Can't Kick Butt

Hey A’s and ACLUers,

I know that many of you have been patiently awaiting the perfect opportunity to come join and/or cheer on your beloved, battle-hardened softball squad as we defend our rights on and off the diamond in 2012.  Now, you’re in luck – because tomorrow evening around 6:30pm, the First Effing Amendments of the ACLU will join in the election-year morass and take on the Republican National Committee!  I want to invite each and every member of our esteemed ACLU family to play or just join us for cheap brews and fun times tomorrow evening in what always ends up being one of the best duels of the season.  We’ve got all the equipment aspiring, barely-competitive softball players would need, so all you really need to do is show up.  Once you’re there, it’s highly likely I’ll pester you to play, but honestly don’t feel pressured to; we’d be happy to just have you grace us with your presence and show your ACLU pride.

Thanks for humoring me, ACLU!

Effing A, Mike

Terrorized.

Morning A’s,

Well last night wasn’t exactly the strong showing we had hoped for.  After the rain subsided, the A’s and the Margin of Terror decided to forge ahead with their game, sloppy field and all.  On an Ellipse deserted by softball teams with far less fortitude, the A’s fell to the Margin of Terror in a relatively low-scoring game, losing 11-3.

Playing with a small lineup due to the near-rainout, we just couldn’t muster much offense at any point in the game.  We started off OK, holding the Terrorists scoreless in the first inning before plating 2 runs in the bottom half, but that was the only lead we’d hold all night.  The Margins’ bats sparked up over the next few frames; with pinpoint precision, they dropped line drives halfway between the infield and outfield, and they jumped out to a commanding 11-2 lead at the end of the fourth.  Even the spectacular defensive play of MVP Marilyn “Little Babe Ruth” Robb and a start-studded outfield was not enough to overcome some unfortunately-timed miscues at shortstop.  Offensively, the 2-3 combination of Will Abbott and K-Dizzle was one of the brighter spots in an otherwise sub-par performance, both getting multiple hits on the day.  Following a few more innings of both teams laying goose eggs, the A’s managed to eke out one more run in the 6^th, but could garner no more offensive firepower, even during what looked at first glance to be a rally in the last inning.  After juicing the bases during our final at-bat, we wound up stranding 2 runners and failing to score, and just like that, we were 2 games below .500

So A’s, we’re now 3-5 on the season, dropping us to the lower portion of the rankings in the CSL.  Which will make our thunderous domination of the feeble Republicans all the more satisfying.  I mean, really – let’s go wipe the smug smirks  off their faces.  We take them on in the first of two games next week, on Tuesday at 6:30, hopefully on or near our home field.  Please let me know if you want to play.  This is one of the better games we’ll have all season, so tell your family, co-workers, communist pals, pinkos, and community organizers to come on out to cheer on the Effing A’s.  Then on Thursday of next week, we strike up what will hopefully become a new rivalry as we’ll wage the Battle of the Amendments!  We take on the 10^th Amendments, the National Conference of State Legislators.  I’ve got a beverage sponsor for Tuesday’s game but not yet for Thursday’s, so please let me know if you’d like to volunteer.  Also, on Thursday, we will likely need someone to run down to the mall early to grab a field – let me know if you can make yourself available to do that.

Finally, if you got a jersey in this year’s order, please return it to me asap.  If you’re not in our building, the next game would be fine.

That’s all for now kids – ice those shoulders and rest up over the next few days, because on Tuesday we get to lay the (non)partisan smackdown.

Effing A, Mike

Eff Thursday Games

Morning A’s,

In the dignified words of our esteemed colleague, Red Five, Eff Thursday games.  After carting equipment like Peruvian llamas back and forth across our National Mall, Stamm and I were only able to find a moderately inclined, ankle-breaking hole-filled patch of grass just to the south of the Monument.  Sun-drenched tourists flittered all around us on the beautiful afternoon, alternately enjoying their nation’s history and fleeing errant foul balls as the A’s competed in their second Thursday defeat of the season.

We crossed swords with the Government Printing Office, which apparently requires all its workers to still use a manual printing press a minimum of 12 hours per day.  We got off to a late start, both literally and figuratively, as we seemed incapable of producing runs on our 30^o slope.  Unfortunately, that didn’t slow down our opponents, as we let our bugaboo get to us; they scored nine runs in the first two innings as we kept fumbling defensively.  We also struggled at the plate – after Co-MVP Pattycakes Patterson led off the first with a double and run scored, our bats fell silent for the inning.  Co-MVP Bossman Sanderson led off the second in much the same fashion, but yet again The Hammer and the Storm lay dormant.

Seizing on a recently-opened field, the A’s and Prints moved their game, and seemingly at first, their fortunes.  Immediately following our transition to the new diamond, the A’s defense clamped down and only allowed 1 run over the next two frames.  Our Co-MVPs then led a rally in the bottom of the fourth that netted us a few runs and pulled us to within four of the lead.  But the behemoths of the Printing Office were simply too much for us – they started hitting some balls into the upper troposphere and some directly into our chests, shins, etc.  A homerun by Wes failed to spark any momentum in the bottom of the fifth, and though we got two more runs from the meat of our lineup in the 6^th, it wasn’t enough to stop the bleeding.  Before we started a 7^th inning that got called halfway through for a combination of darkness and being dominated we were down 16-9, so I suppose the final score was a good deal uglier than that.

But as with all losses, we should take this as a learning experience.  We learned that Marilyn is far and away the toughest Effing A there is.  We learned that Wild Wild Wes has got some wheels.  We saw some excellent prospects from the farm system continue to develop into ripe, talented A’s.  So let’s take solace in these discoveries, even in defeat, because we’re still within one game of .500 and only a few short days away from another chance to get back up on that horse.  On Tuesday of next week around 6:30pm, we’ll face off against the Margin of Terror, of Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research.  We’ll be playing somewhere on the mall, hopefully at or near our home field.  Please let me know if you want to play.  I’ve got a beverage sponsor for this game and the next (when we take on the REPUBLICANS!  WHOOOO!), but please consider volunteering for a future engagement.

Finally, for those of you just dying to rock our flattering raglan jerseys with the prominent expletive, please let me know.  I don’t have many folks for the order right now, so encourage everyone you know, everyone you work with, and folks you pass on the street on your way to lunch to get one.  If you do want one, please send me an email and let me know the name and number you’d like on it, and what size you want (they tend to run a little on the big side).  I’ll extend my deadline to Monday for the order, so work on folks this weekend.

Mike

Too Big to Win

Happy Wednesday A's,

Boy it feels good to get back up to .500, doesn't it?  That's right – your A's slew some giants last night at their home field, taking down the FDIC's Too Big to Fail to softball team, which it apparently was not.

With the softball gods having bestowed some glorious weather upon us, The A's stormed the field just south of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., determined to exact revenge for last week's blowout loss on whatever naïve squad would unwittingly cross our path.  With the top of the lineup restored from the DL, TheHoffandEDub started things off in grand A's small-ball fashion, both singling and scoring to start a pair of 1.000 batting days.  But they weren't the only two with something to prove.  Former MVPs Alex Stamm and Wild Wild Wes also both batted 1.000 on the day with multiple multi-base hits.  In fact, more than half the team hit better than .500 on the day, as we for the first time this season decided that consistently producing runs might benefit us.  Of the six innings we had on offense, we only failed to score in one of them; we had two innings of 5 runs, two of four runs, and one of 3 runs.  We had solid production and clutch hits from all over the lineup.

Throughout the first four innings, the almighty defensive prowess of the A's dominated the flow of the game.  Alex "Ain't No Stoppin' Me Now!" Stamm martyred his arm for the team in center, only to be replaced by Red Five, who made two double-saving catches out of the tree in center field. Killer Kelly Trout covered the right half of the infield like a vacuum, and K-Dawg nearly ran out of her cleats chasing down a pop fly.  Newly-acquired catcher Ian Eppler also came up with a timely force out at first on a slow trickler down the line.  For a moment though, after the Failures plated 6 in the 5^th inning, things started to look a little grim, but with a second wind generated by cheap alcohol consumption, the A's clamped down through the final two frames and held the FDIC to a total of only 14 runs on the game.

When all was said and done, we took out the team that decimated the Notorious LBC, who had crushed us the week before with a resounding 21-14 victory.  So I think that means we're the best team in the CSL.  Or at least close to it.  We moved back up to .500 on this still-young season with the victory, and, lucky you –we're right back at it tomorrow.  We'll bring the Government Printing Office into the digital age (shamelessly stealing your joke, Matt) tomorrow, around 6:30pm on the mall.  Please let me know if you want to play.  This would also be a great opportunity for those A's who haven't come out yet to join your effing brethren as we steamroll through the league.

Also, I'm still trying to put together a jersey order, which I want to place by this Friday (and I promise I'll put the new logo on these.  My b.).  If you want a jersey, please email me and indicate the name and number you'd like on it, and the size.  There are only very few people who want one as of right now, so they may not be worth ordering unless more of you decide to get these sweet duds.

See you tomorrow A's.

Effing A, Mike

Labor Struggles

Good Afternoon A-erinos!

Well it’s hard to sugarcoat a ten-run loss, so you all will be graciously spared my garrulous description of last night’s game.  We’ll keep it brief today.

On a beautiful sunny afternoon, standing in the shadow of the monument to our great city’s namesake, the First Effing Amendments took on the Notorious LBC, who were either affiliated with the Dept. of Labor/OSHA or BALCO Labs.  With a predominantly southpawed lineup of talented worksite inspectors, The LBCs took it to the A’s early, smashing a staggering 15 runs in the second and third innings (combined), after the A’s had held them scoreless to start.  So the A’s, back in our familiar position of trailing by a long distance, began to claw our way back with six runs and another inning of clamped-down defense to head into the fifth down a mere 15-6.  Then things started to turn a little ugly.  We were mercy-ruled for the first time on the season in the top of the frame, and could only respond with 2 more runs, so we faced a huge deficit of 25-8 as the sixth inning, and some malevolent cloud cover, rolled in.

With the daylight slipping away, the top of the A’s order came up in the sixth and sparked our second 6-run rally of the day.  We held the LBC to only one run in the top of the final inning, but couldn’t muster any more than 2 runs in the bottom half.  The A’s had gone down in defeat, a 26-16 loss for our third of the season, bringing us to 2-3.  But there were plenty of bright spots on an otherwise dismal evening; farm prospect Daniel, who hadn’t touched a bat in a decade, got his first hit as an A in our late rally.  Four players: Red Freyve, Matt Marran, Kathleen Callaghy and Wes “-ley Snipes” MacCleod-Ball all batted 1.000 on the day, and Wes won the MVP beer after appearing in consecutive games for the first time in ages, due largely to his saving the horrendously errant throws from shortstop.  Alex “Ain’t no Stoppin’ Me Now!” Stamm learned the value of a base coach, and we reclaimed Killer Kelly Trout and Brian Levine from the DL.  All in all, it was a pretty good way to lose.

So these are all promising signs as me move forward into our second doubleheader of the season.  Next week we’ve got 2 engagements.  On Tuesday, we’ll face off against Too Big to Fail, the FDIC’s team.  The scouting report on them isn’t overly promising; they kinda sorta decimated the LBC last week.  So after we take down those giant crushers, on Thursday we take on Read the Fine Print, of the Government Printing Office.  Both games will be played at 6:30pm on the mall, at/near 15^th and Constitution.  More details will follow on Monday, though I imagine by now most of you know the routine.

One last note - our game yesterday was also covered by the Roll Call Blog, so if you haven’t already been motivated to come out, maybe a chance at your fifteen minutes of (rather inconsequential) fame will do the trick.

Effing A, Mike

Adam Smith is a Loser.

Good Morning A’s,

Oh it feels nice to be back on a winning streak!  That’s right; the A’s battled their way back to respectability last night in our first home game of the year against the Economic Hitmen, bringing us to an even .500 on the young season and leaving us in prime position to capture our first winning record in months.

But all this merriment almost didn’t come to pass.  The A’s started out in typical fashion (letting in a few early runs to give ourselves a nice hole to climb out of) while the sun was shining, and it looked for a minute as if we might escape the rain that had been in the forecast all day.  With steady small-ball, we managed to keep the game close through the first few frames as the sun began to give way to some ominously nimbostratus-looking clouds.  Popping singles left and a little less left, the A’s mustered 5 runs in the first three innings, a perfectly respectable rate, but not enough to bring us even with the Economic Hitmen who led by two when the skies really started to open up.

Things started to get a bit dicey at this point.  On defense, a few epic wipeouts started to plague both squads (and cost us our clutch thirdbasewoman, Killer Kelly Trout), while batters for each team struggled to find traction for their feet and grip for their hands.  The rain had taken over, and we looked to be in for a sloppy second half.  Pattycakes Patterson started off the fourth with a soggy groundout, and after another quick out, any outside observer would have stuck a fork in these A’s.  But this resilient gang decided a two-out rally might help. Mattycakes Marran (I’m just kidding, I won’t call you that, I promise) singled.  MVP TheWertz crushed a liner to center field for another single.  And like the proverbial downhill snowball, we were off; a barrage of singles, aided by a few miscues from the Hitmen on defense, ultimately led to our second straight week of imposing a mercy rule on our opponents.  The heroic rally was capped off by a towering homerun from the bat of Alex Stamm, and the A’s took a commanding 15-7 lead into the fifth inning.

It would have been nice to end this soggy saga (rimshot, please) here, but we still had three innings to play.  And apparently, our rally had taken the last bit of life out of the A’s bats; we were held scoreless through the next two frames while the Hitmen crunched some numbers and somehow battled back to tie things up heading into the 7^th.  But these A’s don’t go down without an effing fight.  As Theresa would have said, this was OUR TIME.  Leading off the top of the order, Red Five (Freyve?) jump started the offense with a timely single.  Skip and Stamm helped keep things going with extra-base hits, and were both driven in as the hits kept coming.  Jennifer Wedekind “Of people make the club get crunk” scored our fifth run of the inning, putting us up 20-15.  The A’s tightened up on D for the last half, only allowing the Hitmen’s tryhard to score, and we sauntered off with our second straight victory.

So we now are back to .500 and in the midst of our first winning streak in nearly a calendar year.  Like our beltway brethren, these A’s are starting to look pretty strong in the early stages of the season. We vaulted up 15 spots in the rankings, and we’re now firmly in the top half of the league.  But there’s still plenty of room for improvement, which we can start on next week as we’ll take on the Notorious LBC (The Dept. of Labor) at 6:30pm on Tuesday, hopefully right back there on our home field.  Please let me know if you’d like to come out.  Beverages are taken care of for the game next week, but please consider sponsoring in the future.  Also, if you haven’t paid your team fee yet, next week would be an excellent time to do so.  Or even before then.

Great game A’s, every one of you.  I hope to see you all (especially Wes) out again next week.

Effing A, Mike

That's More Like It!

Goooood Morning A’s,

What a wonderful game that was!  Playing in our first away game of the season, the First Effing Amendments started their road trip in style, decimating the Muckrakers for the first victory of the 2012 season!

TheWertz about to kick some ass

It was a beautiful late spring day for softball; the sun was shining and the humidity wasn’t yet up to its stifling summer level as hordes of tourists mobbed the mall all around us.  Tired of constantly fighting from behind, the A’s sprung into action early as TheHoffandTheWertz started a first-inning rally that saw the first five batters score.  New additions to the lineup Brian Levine and Lefty Will were brought in for their defensive prowess, and helped hold the A’s first early-game lead of the season.  Two scoreless innings for the A’s followed while the Muckrakers continued to produce a few runs each frame, and all of a sudden the A’s went into the 5^th inning down one.  It was beginning to look like the A’s would fall yet again.

Skip just after NOT swinging at the first pitch. It paid off.  

But with an abundance of determination, a plethora of clutch hitting, and possibly a little divine intervention, we turned things around in a big way in the 5^th.  With the meat of the lineup leading things off, we began our second, even better rally of the day.    A few singles started things off before Alex “Eff the third base coach I ain’t stopping” Stamm hit a moonshot that almost landed in the duck pond, giving him a home run and further solidifying his hold on the MVP cerveza.  We went back to our bread and butter, with everyone from rugged veterans like our runner-up MVP Kelly Trout to intriguing farm prospect Prashanth knocking singles all over the field.  After we batted around, we scored our tenth run of the inning and first mercy-rule of the season.  Then we tightened things up on defense for the last few innings and the A’s had yet another rally in the 7^th, netting us 6 more runs.  When the dust had settled, the A’s left the Vietnam War Memorial with our first victory of the 2012 campaign, with a final score of 24-11.

So we are now right back in the thick of things in the CSL.  We moved to within a game of .500, and we can improve upon our record next week as we look to continue/create the first winning streak of the season.  On Tuesday at 6:30, we’ll take on the Economic Hitmen, of the Center for Economic and Policy Research.  

I’m imagining a bunch of folks that look like this:

So we should be in pretty good shape.  We’ll be getting the field and shooting to grab our usual spot at 15^th and Constitution, in the Ellipse.  Please let me know if you plan on playing.  Also, I need a beverage sponsor for the game; let me know if you’d like to volunteer.

And quickly, I’m going to order jerseys soon (I promise); hit me up if you want one and haven’t told me already.  I’ll have a price for you when I order them.  And if you have not yet paid your team fee, please pay me at the next game or next time you see me.  Thanks!

Effing A, Mike

(PS – image searches for Alan Greenspan turn up some weeeeeird stuff)

A Strong, But Ultimately Unsuccessful Start

Morning A’s,

Well I for one am very happy with the team’s performance in last night’s season opener.  Under a portentous cloud cover, a small A’s squad took on an even smaller Sons of Pitches on Barry’s lawn, determined to fight through the slick field and looming sprinkling of rain to start its effing season in true A fashion.  Meaning, we dug ourselves into a giant hole and needed a miracle or three to find our way out.

Still apparently shaking off the offseason rust, the A’s porous defense let in 8 runs in the top of the first, and things were looking pretty grim.  A lesser team would have certainly lost its composure, but these resilient Amendments knew there was still plenty of game left and started chipping away immediately, scoring three runs in the first two innings with the help of 2 triples and a double.  But we were still down by a hefty margin going into the third, when the light seemed to really go on.

K-Dawg and skip led off the inning and both promptly grounded out; the A’s looked dead in the water.  But utilizing our patented small ball technique, a 2-out rally of singles in the 3^rd netted us four more runs.  The Pitches were starting to sweat.  A 1-2-3 inning on defense followed, and the A’s were back up, ready to build off the momentum of the previous inning.  Red Five started the next rally with a single, becoming the first of 6 players who would score in the inning.  The tide had turned!  The A’s took their first lead of the game, and of the 2012 season, heading into the 5^th up 13-11.

But just when things were looking their best, the A’s lost their mojo and their bats fell silent for the next two innings while the Pitches’ seemed to wake back up.  They scored nine more over three frames to take a commanding 20-13 lead heading into the bottom of the 7^th, when MVP Matt “Mr. 1.000” led a rally that would fall just short of handing the Pitches a defeat.  The A’s went down quasi-triumphantly, scoring 18 runs in a losing effort to start the season.

But as I said, I’m very happy with this performance.  We had 2 players bat 1.000 on the day (guess those Picky Pants are paying off…) and 4 others who hit .600.  We had solid defensive play (especially after the first inning) all over the field, and truly clutch performances on both sides of the ball.  So let’s build off this excellent performance and go smoke the One-Hitters tomorrow (not literally; who knows what’s in those guys?)

That’s right; we’ve got another game just over 24 hours away.  I’m psyched, you’re psyched, heck even my grandmother’s been talking about this game for weeks.  Let me know if you can play. Also, I need a beverage sponsor for tomorrow’s game – let me know if you want to do it.  I again will be scouting and looking to get our home field.  The rain shouldn’t be an issue; the forecast is calling for 70 degrees and sunny.  So we should be in for a beautiful day in which to renew our rivalry against the stoners.  

Effing A, Mike

tick tock tick tock

Hey A’s,

Happy Tuesday!  I’m having a particularly good one because the clock is counting down and our 2012 adventure is so close I can taste it (and it tastes like sweet, delicious canned beer).  We are now just one week away from the official start of the effing onslaught that will befall the CSL this season, at the hands of the First Effing Amendments.  Next Tuesday we will begin to exact our revenge on the Sons of Pitches, sponsored by ELO (no, probably not that ELO).  We’ll bring them down as we hold on tight to our dreams of victory, turning them to stone in the process.  Ok, I’m sorry, that was just gratuitous.

So I can now once again ask you all to let me know if you plan on playing.  The game will start around 6:30 or whenever we get enough people, hopefully on what became our home field last season (Google Map).  Because apparently DC has claimed eminent domain on our old home field and is turning it into a new museum (I hear there’s going to be an A’s exhibit).  I’ll be grabbing the field after work so there’s a slight chance we won’t end up there. Keep in mind that we also have a game on Thursday of next week (2 in our first week!) against the One Hitters, sponsored by Capitol Hemp.

Beverages are taken care of, but please consider sponsoring a future game.  Also, this game would be an excellent opportunity for you to pay your team fee, if you haven’t yet.  I have not ordered jerseys yet so you’ll have to squeeze into that one from last year – I’ll be ordering them soon, though, and let everyone know the price.  So get your orders in asap.

Finally, I’m happy to hold a practice this weekend if anyone’s interested.  Let me know if you’d like to come out, and which day/time works best for you.

I’ll of course send around another email on Monday, but feel free to let me know if you’re playing in our season opener before then.

Effing A,


Mike

update to Schedule: Game Added

Just a quick note today – I added one more game to our schedule so we can renew our rivalry against the One-Hitters, a grab bag of stoners drug policy experts.  We’re going to take them on Thursday, May 10, for our second game of the season.  Our full (and I promise, final) schedule is on the right – 24 games in all, giving us a nice and robust season.

Batting practice

A little pre-season practice. Two weeks to go!

2012 Schedule has arrived

What a lovely morning this is – we just finished scheduling our 2012 season!  And hard as it might be to believe, our offseason is just about over.  With global warming climate change  a bunch of bogus liberal hippy science turning DC into a sauna even earlier than usual, I figure we might as well take advantage of the nice weather.  We embark upon our heroic 2012 campaign against the first of two teams named “Sons of Pitches” on Tuesday, May 8, two weeks from this coming Tuesday.  I want to encourage everyone to come out, whether as a player or cheerleader, to give our season the strong start it deserves. 

Some other schedule highlights include: renewing rivalries against the likes of the Muckrakers in our second game of the season, The Freedom Ticklers at about the halfway point, and the Non-Pros, longtime foes of the ACLU (but not so much the FOEs), who we missed playing last year.  On June 19, we play against my favorite opponents, a team we played to the most epic tie in CSL history last season, the Republican National Committee.  And on June 14, we will play in a war for the ages, the Battle of the Amendments, as we take on the 10th Amendments (National Conference of State Legislatures).  Then we have plenty of games against naïve teams who have yet to feel the wrath of a First Effing Domination.  The full schedule is posted at the bottom of this email.  Most of our games are on Tuesdays, with a few Thursday games and one on a Wednesday.  There are 5 weeks in which we’ve got 2 games, for a total of 23 games (three more than last year).

Now for some minor business; let me know if you want a jersey.  Our logo this season comes from renown fashion designer Patrick “Pickypants” Connors; just fyi, the shirts aren’t exactly censored.  Also, please come find me to pay your team fee ($20 for the regulars, $10 for part-timers), which covers our registration and insurance.  And, this is very important: I need hydration sponsors for the season.  Unfortunately miller lite dropped its sponsorship of the league.  We need one person per game, and I only ask each person to do it once throughout the season.  It’ll run about $35 per game – please let me know if you’d like to volunteer.

So, come on out and join the fun this season. 

Effing A,

Mike

The 2012 Offseason Preparations

Hi A’s and ACLU folks in DC,

It sure looks like softball weather outside.  Which is a good thing, because the 2012 First Effing Amendments of the ACLU are officially a squad in the Congressional Softball B League!  Try to contain your excitement.  I’m looking forward to a strong 2012 campaign to rebound from our substandard 2011 season, which saw the A’s regress in the W column (but definitely not the fun column).

I’m writing to formally invite each and every one of you to come join in what will be a monumental tidal wave of A’s domination over the coming months.  In that time, we shall exert our will on non-partisan think tanks, lowly Congressional staffers, various government agencies the GOP is seeking to de-fund, and probably a team or two of former college players who will bear the tar out of us.  We’ll laugh, we’ll cheer, we’ll take full advantage of the leniency of the secret service police, and I’ll probably end up with a debilitating knee injury (again).  So, good times.

We’ll likely start having actual games around the second or third week of May; most will take place on Tuesday evenings right down on the mall.  We don’t have a schedule yet but rest assured, I’ll be I touch with an overly verbose email about it.  Before then, there are some administrative things I’ve got to get out of the way.  First and foremost is registration; if you want to play, we want you on the team.  As in years past, I’m requesting a $20 donation from those who intend to be full (or mostly full) time participants; $10 from part-time playas.  Please email me with your commitment and come find me (I’m on the 7^th Floor in the front) to drop off your contribution to the team fee.  This fee covers our registration and insurance for the inevitable tourist-related injuries.

Next up on my to-do list is jerseys.  If your jersey from previous seasons has worn out, or if you just want to join the super-stylish crew rocking the ¾ sleeves and most offensive logo in the league, either as a player or a cheerleader, please let me know a name, number, and size you’d like.  The price will vary based on how many we order, but usually comes in at around $20-$25 per shirt.

Which brings me to my last item – practice.  Now I know none of you will actually come to a practice.  I get that.  Instead, let’s go hit up the batting cages.  I know of cages on the border of Arlington/Alexandria, but if someone knows of any that are closer, please tell me.  I’d like to go take some BP in April, either on a weekend or a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday night.  I can drive a few folks out (and if anyone would like to volunteer to cart more A’s over, I’d appreciate it).  Let me know if/when you’d like to go and I’ll work it out. 

I’d also like to extend an invitation to the entire DC ACLU family to join the A’s for our last offseason happy hour, which will take place on the second Tuesday of April (April 10), at either Harry’s (11^th & E) or Post Pub (TBD).  Shoot me an email if you’re interested.

Before I wrap things up, I’d like to thank everyone who has played with us in years past and everyone who will this upcoming season, along with the WLO and NPP for their generous ongoing support of my unhealthy fascination with slow-pitch, supposedly non-competitive softball.  I’m so psyched for this season.

Effing A,